#NP Drunk and Hot Girls by Kanye West
Released off his third album Graduation, this pre-cray Kanye West song is the one I often quoted. I knew I was a party girl because in my circle of friends I was referred to as the “Drank- Loving Diva.” It was an affectionate nickname, as we all had names that described our partying habits.
I can’t even front, I lived for a good party. I enjoyed dancing, drinking, and nights that I wouldn’t remember. It was a YOLO lifestyle. But when I started to take my walk with God seriously everything changed. I knew that my partying and drinking had to stop. I came to this conclusion as I started feeling bad about engaging in these activities.
During this time I began thinking I deserved a drink after a hard day. My job was stressful, my Brooklyn apartment was a hot mess, and I was unsure of what direction I was supposed to go in. All this stress led me to drinking. And as I got rid of toxic friends and toxic men, my phone stopped ringing. And this caused me to start drinking out of boredom. Boredom and wants are a set-up for failure.
In this society drinking is the go-to activity. Think happy hours, after dinner drinks, or pre-gaming before going out. Friends would call me and say, “Let’s go get a drink,” or “I need a drink, come have one with me.” It seemed so innocent until it wasn’t; until drinking caused me to make bad decisions. I would then get depressed and start drinking. Or I would get depressed because I was drinking and I knew better. It was a vicious cycle that I was dependent upon.
Going back to Kanye, I don’t agree with everything he says but I do understand his frustration of not being able to create in the manner he would like to. When I lived in New York I was waiting tables and trying to figure out how to get put on. Like Kanye, I was taking meeting after meeting, trying to get a writing gig and nothing was happening. And because I wasn’t able to create or have my ideas come into fruition, I got depressed.
The feeling of not having an outlet for my ideas, coupled with the hustle of slinging wine at a wine bar on the Upper East Side was crippling. There were days where I needed a Bud Light Lime-A- Rita before work to take the edge off. Some days I would get a shorty of Khaula and put it in my travel coffee cup to slip on while heading to work on the train. Once I got to work I would sample the wine to make sure I could describe the wine of the day. And at the end of my shift I would have a glass of Merlot with my coworkers as we lamented about the work day.
Then when I got off the J train, before heading home at night I would go to the corner store and buy either a Coors Light 20oz or a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita. This cycle continued for a couple of months. I was hustling to no avail. And working with an all Italian staff and being the token Black girl on the Upper East Side was challenging. While God was removing people from my life I started to feel lonely. And being a young woman who spent her free time in church had me feeling isolated from my peers.
Very few people knew or understood what I was going through, but a glass of Pinot Noir was comforting. It was warming when I felt cold and alone in my studio apartment. It got me through work shifts and conversations with people who didn’t understand me. It was freeing.
But knowing that God had a purpose for me was even more freeing. Now that I know what God is using me for I can no longer drink. I cannot use wine, beer, or vodka as a coping mechanism while telling others how great God is. I cannot continue to call myself a Christian who depends on God for all my needs, and then drink to get me through the day. Or drink as a reward for making it through a challenging day.
The truth is that God is putting me through challenging situations and getting me through the day by strengthening me. God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. If I have the faith that I proclaim to have then I don’t need anything else. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and I don’t want to give myself the credit of surviving another day.
One night I was at a friend’s birthday dinner that concluded at a bar. I was talking to a friend about my change of career plans, and that I was now a Christian writer. He says to me, “but you’re at a bar with me.” At that moment I realized I had to get real with myself because either I am who I say I am or I am lying to myself. I cannot walk into my purpose drunk. I know I need a sober mind at all times. I believe Christians can drink but in moderation. But I know I can’t drink in moderation; happy hour deals are real and I love a brunch that offers unlimited mimosas. Plus, I still believe a glass of vino at the end of the night is one of the most relaxing activities.
This is all God’s doing because it’s too hard for me to say no to happy hour, or just drink sparkling water at Thanksgiving dinner. And it’s hard explaining to co-workers, friends, and family members that I no longer drink. It’s a combination of Him strengthening me and me knowing that long suffering is a part of being a Christian.
I wouldn’t call myself an alcoholic but I will say that the lines are blurred. I know I use to drink a lot. And my friends drink a lot too (probably way more than they would like to admit as well). I also know a few functioning alcoholics, they are great people who happen to have a problem. I on the other hand don’t want to have the regret, the shame, or the embarrassment that comes after a night of drinking. So I asked God to help me quit.
It’s been six months since my last drink and I now understand that I must be drunk of the spirit and not of Ciroc.
Ephesians 5:18 says “Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit.”
I am learning to have fun and enjoy activities that don’t involve alcohol. I am learning how to be a fun person who is still witty and charming without a cocktail in hand. I am also learning that if I am who I say I am then I cannot partake in drinking. I am still hot, but no longer drunk.
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